Fawlty Towers – December 2018

‘Housekeeping was only fair; certainly not spotless I found a false eyelash behind a small table, and the light-coloured carpet in our room had many stains. The wallpaper in the lounge was beginning to part from the wall in places; a refurbishment probably beckons; a good interior designer would help.’

‘This hotel is in an excellent location.It would be good if a good hotelier took it over. Do not be taken in by the smart, covered walkway with lovely flowers to either side. This must be the meanest hotel in the city and perhaps the county. The bedroom is a decent size but in the bathroom there are no toiletries. Two dispensers over the sink and bath, supply the soap. The bath has a shell for a bar of soap but that’s all. The dispenser is at the end of the bath, above the taps; not ideal. The towel rail heats up only in winter; what does one do if it isn’t warm? It was difficult to close the bedroom windows. I wanted to use the safe, which was complicated, so I arranged with reception for someone to come up to show me how it worked. A two-hour slot was agreed but no-one showed up. Breakfast is self-service, and although there were one or two staff around, they were interested only in taking your room number.’

‘This hotel is completely starved of investment. I have consigned to the tip better furniture and light fittings than were in my bedroom. The bathroom is a throwback to the 1970s, dark and miserable. Food is pretentious, mean portions and ridiculously overpriced. Porridge at breakfast this morning was the worst I have ever tasted. Starbucks do better out of a paper tub. Service is perfunctory. Toast for two equates to a mean couple of slices.’